I am not sure why I am in a negative place, but it probably has something to do with my past week and the holidays. I never understood when people talked about the holidays being a hard time. I have always thought that no matter what your troubles, the holidays would always be the best time--full of joy and laughter. But this time around, it is hard. At this time last year, we could not imagine having another Christmas as a family of two. All the toasts between hubs and I were to our last year of a Christmas with just the two of us. When we traveled, we talked about how different it would be next time, me either being pregnant or cradling our baby. That's why having the holidays come around without that dream being realized is quite difficult. We've talked a lot about moving forward with the new year and pointed out that we will be toasting to our health and happiness and leaving baby out of it for the time being.
My past week has been fairly difficult as well. Just a lot of mama and baby talk surrounding me daily. Can I tell you how unbearable it is to sit there with multiple mamas chattering about nothing more than baby related talk? Feeling invisible? Feeling out of place? Feeling like my heart is being ripped out of my chest? I'm sure many know the feeling. While I understand this and have no doubt I will do the same thing when I finally reach that point of motherhood, when I find myself in such a situation it makes me want to get up and walk away. One mama at a time, please. Because then it's a conversation. I am not sitting there listening, giving my mind time to wander. In case you've picked up on this, a wandering mind is not good for me. In the future, I will be more mindful of the conversations I walk into.
In the same vein, this week has brought multiple pregnancy announcements, over two consecutive days. The first came from a dear friend--probably the sweetest, kindest person I have ever known. I am unbelievably happy for her and her husband, but it was one of those 'we weren't trying, just seeing what happens six months into our marriage' conceptions. Because of our close relationship, I have known of this, or the possibility of this, since literally the day after the baby dance that caused it all. There is something to be said of not being caught off guard with such news, as was the case with the second pregnancy announcement that occurred in a staff meeting with cheering and clapping and whoops and hollers--all when I just wanted to burst out into tears.
I have no doubt that negative thoughts will affect my mind and body and that no amount of perfectly timed baby sex can help me conceive if I am literally at my wits end with the realities of being infertile for a year and half. I understand this, but I still hope and obsess and read into even the tiniest of sensations. I've been here before. And inevitably, when you're at this point is the moment where everyone around you tells you to just relax, see what happens, don't worry about it. While I appreciate their sentiment and encouragement, at times it just makes me want to scream. I'm sorry, did you miss the fact that we have been trying for a year and a half? That while I have never been told I am infertile, I have been diagnosed with a fertility condition and have been told that it will be hard for me to conceive? Yes, I understand that the idea is magical--try without trying, without worrying. After all, these same people say, it worked for them...and them...and them. Yes, it worked for all these people without fertility issues who are either five years younger than me or are the people who truly started "trying without trying" in a time period where they didn't mind waiting. That was never the case for us. When we began trying, we wanted a baby. The pressure was on right away. Not to mention the fact that with incredibly irregular cycles, I knew from the get-go that something was wrong.
I have talked many times here about a good friend who has been an incredible support through all of this. And as I sat with her yesterday, we both sat dabbing our eyes as we wished for the end of the year. Reflecting on why this time period seemed to be increasingly hard, I said, it is just with holidays coming around again, I'm wondering when this will be over. Wishing for the end. For a new beginning.
My two week wait is officially up on....drumroll please....Christmas Day! Perfect. Way to bring a landmark date into the picture, fate. One that requires my ever-spinning head to weave more fantasies of perfect ways to receive and share baby news. Though I get frustrated when my husband says this, I don't expect it this time around. While talking with my friend yesterday, she shared the same assumption with a fitting anecdote: The holidays people generally get off work for are substantial. With them come detailed preparations, large scaled gatherings and commitments, and often a sizable amount of money. It is wonderful to have the time off, but often one is exhausted from all the holiday festivities and goes right back to work without having relaxed much at all. Why, one asked, can't I have a holiday like Columbus Day? or President's Day? where I do not have high expectations of others and no one has any expectations of me. So, she said, I don't think your news will come on Christmas. Maybe on a Columbus Day.
I suppose that sums up where I need to gently be guiding my fickle mind. There is no point to having great expectations of the future that fit neatly onto a timeline in my head. It is meaningless to fantasize of how incredible it could be to share baby news on Christmas. Maybe on a Columbus Day...or another similarly ambiguous day of the year that suddenly becomes our most precious moment. Maybe that will be our day. Now, if someone could just circle it on a calendar for me, I would greatly appreciate it!
