Thursday, March 31, 2011

Tests, tests, and more tests....then, unexpected test

It has finally happened!  My body has finally lined up with the calendar in order to let me get down to all this fertility testing.  So far, hubs is cleared and my blood labs are done, though I am waiting (not so patiently) for a call with the results.  Next up is the pelvic ultrasound and HSG tomorrow.  Hubs is coming with on the appointments tomorrow as I want support at the appointments that have immediate results.  It was hours ago where I was feeling just fine about all of these appointments, just excited to have some answers, no matter what the results.  I feel that with the answers that come, I can finally begin planning my path to becoming a mother, no matter what that path may be.  But, that was hours ago.  This is now and the calm has vanished.

It vanished when they told me at my appointment that my blood work was in, but that the woman doing my appointment didn't deal with fertility, so I'd have to wait until someone could call me to explain the results.  The nurse practitioner I saw assured me that this didn't mean anything, she just had no idea how to read the results.  Still, it is a bit disconcerting to be told by a medical professional that they can't explain your test results.  I have a message into my OB/GYN and hopefully, she'll call this afternoon with the results.  Still, the wait has left me anxious and worrisome, just when I thought I had mastered this crazy head of mine.

The calm also vanished when she found a breast lump today during my routine appointment.  I walked out in a daze and scheduled an ultrasound and mammogram for Monday.  I am honestly speechless about this development and with everything else going on, I feel as though I have to push this recent development to the back of my mind.  I'll deal with it, but I am simply not in a place right now where I can pay it any attention.  I just can't.  Because when I do, I begin thinking that the tests will show something and no matter how ready I was to start down whatever path I chose to become a mother, I will not be able to because I may be sick myself.  See, I just can't.  This is one time when repressing my feelings is an absolute necessity.  At any rate, that makes three days in a row that I will be asking for half days from work.  It helps immensely that my boss knows about my fertility appointments and struggles, is incredibly supportive and encourages me to be on top of all of this.  But, I still feel guilty.

Guilty about not working, worried about tests and results, shocked about the newest finding, hopeful and excited for answers which are possibly just 24 hours away.  In summary, I am nothing more than a heap of emotions right now with tears welling up every few seconds.  Wish the hubs luck with me tonight!