Thursday, September 22, 2011

Release

I can't begin to explain how I have felt over the last few weeks, but I will try.  After the big scare of August, people would ask how I was doing.  I would always answer, "Physically, I am doing well, but emotionally it is a little hard with so much going on."  Every time I spoke these words, I believed them whole-heartedly.  But then, I began realizing that I kept saying them and I kept having days, even weeks with no major breakdowns.  In fact, I don't even remember the last minor breakdown!

It has been five weeks and three days since my release from the hospital and five weeks and one day since I realized I was officially not pregnant.  And I am doing fine.

Honestly, I can't remember the last time I was this happy.  The events of the last month have had an enormous impact on our lives present and future.  Namely, at this point, they have launched us into a forced break.  And with that forced break I have gone all out--All out trying to escape from infertility that is.  As it took me awhile to be get back on my feet and gain my strength, the first thing I cut out was all the meds.  With the Metformin having likely wreaked havoc on my liver, I have stopped taking the insufferable little pill three times a day.  Without it, I am now free of the nausea that used to rule my days.  With the knowledge that my ovaries are out of control for the time being anyway, I haven't been a stickler with my PCOS diet either.  I'm sure that cutting some things out could do me good, but it is so nice to be able to not worry about every ounce of what I am putting into my body, I think I just need this time.  In what is probably an absurd omission, I am actually not even taking my prenatals or fish oil supplements.  I know that this could be the absolute wrong choice, but I just want to be a completely normal woman for a bit.  And if completely normal means cutting these out in the name of no fish burps for a few months, so be it!

I am now exercising and not exercising however I please, doing what I like when I like at the gym.  There is no worrying if this is too much or too little, if this is OK in the two week wait, if I could be interfering with implantation.  While all of that worry is completely over the top, it is just what my head does, or DID.  We are going out more than ever, no longer tied down, consumed, and depressed by our infertility.  I am eating sushi galore as well as every other food I tried to cut out in case it would result in a miscarriage.  And we are drinking.  Have I talked about the drinking???  No, I am not a lush, but take a woman who has barely tasted alcohol in 15 months and she'll be a little giddy at the thought of a drink.
And sex?  Just sex?  Without the thought of doing this or that in hope of conception.  Ahhhhh.  Pure bliss!  An weekend day that consists of an early brunch turned late lunch getting tipsy off a bottle of wine on a favorite restaurant patio followed by some sensual pillow time and a long nap until dusk?  Yes, please!

I know this will not last forever.  We have big decisions to make and with each comes a good deal of stress.  There is little that is carefree about our fertility situation overall and I realize that there is a finite time that this happy-go-lucky view on life will stick around.  But while it is here, we have decided to enjoy it.  While we are not avoiding the question of what is next, we are not dwelling on it.  We discuss how we are feeling, throw out pros and cons of each option we have, and then put it aside and enjoy ourselves, our family, and our friends.


Here's hoping we can find ourselves lost in another bottle(s) of wine and each other this weekend!  Cue happy sigh . . .

6 comments:

Joys Truly said...

Yeah!!! You deserve a break and a fun filled one at that. I hope you are enjoying this time . You'll know when you are ready to go at it again. I am with you, IF is a fact of our lives but not going to run us. Enjoy!

Sybil said...

Good for you! I did this same thing a few months ago (on a forced month off) and it felt great!

infertile days said...

Sounds like you're having fun, and you deserve it! YEA! I am just ending my break any day now. Some of it was awesome, there were times when I didn't think about infertility at all.
Had to laugh about the fish oil supplements comment (fish burps),I hate that too.
Love the happiness quote.
Take care

NewYearMum2.blogspot.com said...

Good on you for getting through such a difficult time with such a positive attitude... I truly admire you xoxo

Cyndi said...

I have to say congrats on taking a break. It's not easy to let go of everything. This last cycle I chose to do the same. Although I have some urges to test I refuse to go there for now. I agree with you I'm happy too. I feel free and as if there is no problem with me. If only I could stay here but I know I have to come back to reality soon. Good luck with the decisions you have to make. In this journey it always seems like its decision after decision doesn't it!

embracingtherain said...

I hope you had a lovely weekend and that your happiness has continued. I took a brief break from all the meds, vitamins and exercise worries after our last miscarriage and found it helpful.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Release

I can't begin to explain how I have felt over the last few weeks, but I will try.  After the big scare of August, people would ask how I was doing.  I would always answer, "Physically, I am doing well, but emotionally it is a little hard with so much going on."  Every time I spoke these words, I believed them whole-heartedly.  But then, I began realizing that I kept saying them and I kept having days, even weeks with no major breakdowns.  In fact, I don't even remember the last minor breakdown!

It has been five weeks and three days since my release from the hospital and five weeks and one day since I realized I was officially not pregnant.  And I am doing fine.

Honestly, I can't remember the last time I was this happy.  The events of the last month have had an enormous impact on our lives present and future.  Namely, at this point, they have launched us into a forced break.  And with that forced break I have gone all out--All out trying to escape from infertility that is.  As it took me awhile to be get back on my feet and gain my strength, the first thing I cut out was all the meds.  With the Metformin having likely wreaked havoc on my liver, I have stopped taking the insufferable little pill three times a day.  Without it, I am now free of the nausea that used to rule my days.  With the knowledge that my ovaries are out of control for the time being anyway, I haven't been a stickler with my PCOS diet either.  I'm sure that cutting some things out could do me good, but it is so nice to be able to not worry about every ounce of what I am putting into my body, I think I just need this time.  In what is probably an absurd omission, I am actually not even taking my prenatals or fish oil supplements.  I know that this could be the absolute wrong choice, but I just want to be a completely normal woman for a bit.  And if completely normal means cutting these out in the name of no fish burps for a few months, so be it!

I am now exercising and not exercising however I please, doing what I like when I like at the gym.  There is no worrying if this is too much or too little, if this is OK in the two week wait, if I could be interfering with implantation.  While all of that worry is completely over the top, it is just what my head does, or DID.  We are going out more than ever, no longer tied down, consumed, and depressed by our infertility.  I am eating sushi galore as well as every other food I tried to cut out in case it would result in a miscarriage.  And we are drinking.  Have I talked about the drinking???  No, I am not a lush, but take a woman who has barely tasted alcohol in 15 months and she'll be a little giddy at the thought of a drink.
And sex?  Just sex?  Without the thought of doing this or that in hope of conception.  Ahhhhh.  Pure bliss!  An weekend day that consists of an early brunch turned late lunch getting tipsy off a bottle of wine on a favorite restaurant patio followed by some sensual pillow time and a long nap until dusk?  Yes, please!

I know this will not last forever.  We have big decisions to make and with each comes a good deal of stress.  There is little that is carefree about our fertility situation overall and I realize that there is a finite time that this happy-go-lucky view on life will stick around.  But while it is here, we have decided to enjoy it.  While we are not avoiding the question of what is next, we are not dwelling on it.  We discuss how we are feeling, throw out pros and cons of each option we have, and then put it aside and enjoy ourselves, our family, and our friends.


Here's hoping we can find ourselves lost in another bottle(s) of wine and each other this weekend!  Cue happy sigh . . .

6 comments:

Joys Truly said...

Yeah!!! You deserve a break and a fun filled one at that. I hope you are enjoying this time . You'll know when you are ready to go at it again. I am with you, IF is a fact of our lives but not going to run us. Enjoy!

Sybil said...

Good for you! I did this same thing a few months ago (on a forced month off) and it felt great!

infertile days said...

Sounds like you're having fun, and you deserve it! YEA! I am just ending my break any day now. Some of it was awesome, there were times when I didn't think about infertility at all.
Had to laugh about the fish oil supplements comment (fish burps),I hate that too.
Love the happiness quote.
Take care

NewYearMum2.blogspot.com said...

Good on you for getting through such a difficult time with such a positive attitude... I truly admire you xoxo

Cyndi said...

I have to say congrats on taking a break. It's not easy to let go of everything. This last cycle I chose to do the same. Although I have some urges to test I refuse to go there for now. I agree with you I'm happy too. I feel free and as if there is no problem with me. If only I could stay here but I know I have to come back to reality soon. Good luck with the decisions you have to make. In this journey it always seems like its decision after decision doesn't it!

embracingtherain said...

I hope you had a lovely weekend and that your happiness has continued. I took a brief break from all the meds, vitamins and exercise worries after our last miscarriage and found it helpful.