Our New Path

Well, in a matter of hours, it will be here.  My 30th birthday, that is.  Weeks ago I was chastising my husband for being bothered by turning 30 and now, while I wouldn't say I'm bothered by it, I wouldn't say I'm completely comfortable either.  As things always seem to do, it all boils down to babies.  (how terrible does that sound?!?)  I've heard this over and over again on these boards - I thought I'd be pregnant by 30, I thought I'd have my first child by 30, and on and on.  And, so did I.  It is a bit sad to be surrounded by pregnant women, be turning 30 and be very much so without child.  But today I'm doing a good job of spinning this in a positive way.  In fact, I'm doing a good job recently.  I could sit around and say I am no closer to a child than I was when I began this process nearly 2 years ago.  I could cry about turning 30, with the knowledge that everything fertility related is downhill from here.  I could curse my body and my ovaries for being so temperamental they just served up two straight,  extremely short, anovulatory cycles, leaving me without even a chance of conception.  I could lament the fact that  I don't have what I thought I'd have, what others have, what I should have.  But I'm not.

Don't get me wrong, I understand the impact and reality of all of these things.  It's just that lately, I find myself not going there--something I'm finding extraordinarily freeing.  In fact, what I do find myself doing is going to this page.  Over and over and over again I come to this page and I read my last post.  I  smile and I cry and I get chills.  And most of all, I feel my whole body and soul fill up with hope.  Indeed, I haven't wanted to post anything lately.  Not because I don't want to share or because there aren't things happening, but simply because I love coming back here and seeing that post.  My post of hope.  Real hope.  When so much of this journey has left me bone dry, gasping for air, it has been nice to feel hopeful again, to feel whole.

So here I go, a 30 year old woman looking forward to her little bean--a little bean that will sneak into my life and fill it completely, making everything and everyone feel whole.