Moving On

Near my hometown, there is a wonderful state park with a natural spring where clear water bubbles up in a serene, aquamarine pool before rushing down rocks and joining the river.  Walks here are so calming, so nostalgic.  When I go home, I always make a point of visiting my favorite spot on the bank and dipping my toes in the water with close friends and family.  At first, it is shockingly cold.  But eventually, we all plunge our feet in, seeing who can leave theirs in the frigid water the longest.  Indeed, by the end, all feet are quite numb!

I suppose you could say we have one foot back in the water, very cautiously dipping it in.  Just as that water back home, it is shockingly cold and even somewhat uninviting.  Still, I know that I have to plunge in.  While I am hoping this plunge doesn't make me numb, I am already feeling it's effects.

Effects, that is, of just dealing with our infertility again after such a carefree break.  Since our whirlwind of events in August, we have been on a break, an amazing break.  I had no idea how liberating time off could be.  Still, it is important to move forward and so we are beginning to seriously research our options.  It feels good, but in the last few days I have definitely been reminded of the ups and downs of infertility.

Monday I was thrilled, knowing that this month would be a month of gathering information, discussing all our options, and moving towards a decision.  I eagerly scribbled the important dates in my datebook--October 1st - first adoption information meeting, October 24th - appointment with recommended RE, October 29th - adoption fair.  I felt so on top of everything, excited about our options, excited about the future.

Tuesday I was less that thrilled after a night of terrible dreams all revolving around infertility and being in the hospital due to OHSS--past and future.  It was an awful way to come back to the world of infertility. It was the first time in a long time I've needed to fight back tears in the middle of the day, the first time in a long time I felt myself just staring off and zoning out during meetings.

Wednesday I was simply feeling the weight of it all.  While I am thrilled to be exploring our options, at times I am feeling a bit scared of jumping back in.  It was so nice to push it all to the back of my mind for some time, as if I had finally come up for air.  Luckily, today my students were amazing, which made a smile stick to my face!

As our first big meeting is this Saturday and is focused on adoption, adoption is now at the forefront of my mind.  Honestly, I have been leaning towards adoption for months.  I just never felt like a pregnancy was really going to happen and in the near future, I still don't.  For whatever reason, adoption seemed like an easier choice.  Nothing about fertility treatments ever seemed easy to me.  It still doesn't.

But now we're really here, looking into adoption.  I am beyond anxious to find out how we could make this happen.  Yet, at the same time, I am finding that with opening this new door, this elusive adoption process has become real.  It's presence in my life brings up the real and inevitable emotions, hopes, worries.  And, though this has always been understood, it is as if I am truly realizing for the first time that it probably won't be the cake walk I fantasized.

I know this, I knew this.  Clearly.  None of this will ever be easy.  So we're dipping our feet in a little at a time.  I will cling to my autonomy from infertility for as long as I possibly can--clinging to the increased smiles and happiness.  I will bask in the light of more laughs with family and friends.  I will indulge in great sex and drinks at the end of long days.  I will be thankful for all that I have in my wonderful life, for the incredible support of my husband, for his love and the unbelievable way he has taken care of me throughout all that has transpired.  I will, we will, keep dreaming of our someday baby and be proactive about finding him or her.

We'll dangle our feet in, but I will not, I cannot become numb from all of this again.  Please remind me of this later if you notice my feet turning blue!