Release

I can't begin to explain how I have felt over the last few weeks, but I will try.  After the big scare of August, people would ask how I was doing.  I would always answer, "Physically, I am doing well, but emotionally it is a little hard with so much going on."  Every time I spoke these words, I believed them whole-heartedly.  But then, I began realizing that I kept saying them and I kept having days, even weeks with no major breakdowns.  In fact, I don't even remember the last minor breakdown!

It has been five weeks and three days since my release from the hospital and five weeks and one day since I realized I was officially not pregnant.  And I am doing fine.

Honestly, I can't remember the last time I was this happy.  The events of the last month have had an enormous impact on our lives present and future.  Namely, at this point, they have launched us into a forced break.  And with that forced break I have gone all out--All out trying to escape from infertility that is.  As it took me awhile to be get back on my feet and gain my strength, the first thing I cut out was all the meds.  With the Metformin having likely wreaked havoc on my liver, I have stopped taking the insufferable little pill three times a day.  Without it, I am now free of the nausea that used to rule my days.  With the knowledge that my ovaries are out of control for the time being anyway, I haven't been a stickler with my PCOS diet either.  I'm sure that cutting some things out could do me good, but it is so nice to be able to not worry about every ounce of what I am putting into my body, I think I just need this time.  In what is probably an absurd omission, I am actually not even taking my prenatals or fish oil supplements.  I know that this could be the absolute wrong choice, but I just want to be a completely normal woman for a bit.  And if completely normal means cutting these out in the name of no fish burps for a few months, so be it!

I am now exercising and not exercising however I please, doing what I like when I like at the gym.  There is no worrying if this is too much or too little, if this is OK in the two week wait, if I could be interfering with implantation.  While all of that worry is completely over the top, it is just what my head does, or DID.  We are going out more than ever, no longer tied down, consumed, and depressed by our infertility.  I am eating sushi galore as well as every other food I tried to cut out in case it would result in a miscarriage.  And we are drinking.  Have I talked about the drinking???  No, I am not a lush, but take a woman who has barely tasted alcohol in 15 months and she'll be a little giddy at the thought of a drink.
And sex?  Just sex?  Without the thought of doing this or that in hope of conception.  Ahhhhh.  Pure bliss!  An weekend day that consists of an early brunch turned late lunch getting tipsy off a bottle of wine on a favorite restaurant patio followed by some sensual pillow time and a long nap until dusk?  Yes, please!

I know this will not last forever.  We have big decisions to make and with each comes a good deal of stress.  There is little that is carefree about our fertility situation overall and I realize that there is a finite time that this happy-go-lucky view on life will stick around.  But while it is here, we have decided to enjoy it.  While we are not avoiding the question of what is next, we are not dwelling on it.  We discuss how we are feeling, throw out pros and cons of each option we have, and then put it aside and enjoy ourselves, our family, and our friends.

Here's hoping we can find ourselves lost in another bottle(s) of wine and each other this weekend!  Cue happy sigh . . .