a-flowing

Thanks to all for the kind words and encouragement.  I have realized that even when trying to avoid being consumed by ttc, I do need to drop by here more often, if for nothing else than for somewhat cheerier posts!  I generally come here when I'm having a difficult time with everything and waltz through life without blogging on the other days.  It works for me, until it doesn't and I have a massive breakdown in the grocery store parking lot, or an otherwise inconvenient and embarrassing location for uncontrollable, audible sobs.

Still, I began this blog as a record of our journey, to document all the feelings I was having so that I and others could go back, understand, fill the disconnect, the void, get encouragement, hope, and insight into different ways of dealing with the excruciating wait, the pain.  But if I only come to rant, if I only come in those self pity moments I am not doing myself or anyone else any good in the long run.  Of course, I will have to come here and rant at times.  I'll have to curse the pregnant woman I see in the parking lot with six children already waddling behind her.  (*#&^   @$!%^) And I'll have to complain about leaking with goo and being forced to walk around wearing a pad grown woman's diaper.  I'll have to explore all the dark feelings I have, but I don't want to neglect those times of light by taking them for granted and paying them little mind.  I'll be better.  At least, I'll try.

With that being said, I have had a fabulous long weekend.  I am realizing that holidays this year will more than likely be a struggle for me.  There seems to be something about those times that you are naturally more reflective that is making my mind go into an all-out tailspin these days.  Case in point, when we got back from summer break, our principal asked us to stand, introduce ourselves to new staff and tell what made this summer memorable.  Memorable?  Really?  Of course I was the first person to speak.  Of course I was asked to stand and had to (hopefully discreetly) struggle to pull my aching ovaries up.  I a little less than two weeks out of the hospital and one week off bed rest at the time.  Yes, that is what made this summer memorable.  Fast forward to Thanksgiving and I feel myself being pulled again into those reflective moments.  I am a lucky girl and thankful for much, truly.  But compared to other times, this last year hasn't been so great.  That's the truth.  On top of that, holidays remind me of how I have spent the past holidays "knowing" that we'd have a baby next time around, dreaming of our little family together around the table, on Christmas morning.  All in all, I am aware holidays won't come easy this year, but I am glad to have found ways to combat the inevitable.

via google images

Still, I am happy that I was able to keep busy by serving up a delectable feast for our first hosted Thanksgiving.  And, I am feeling happy, soooo happy for jumping back into art, for the fact that my creative juice are once again flowing.  Art makes me so happy.  Creating feeds me and undeniably lifts my soul.  It is one of the most satisfying things to see something you have had in your head come to life on paper.  It may not always look exactly how it looked in your head, but the process, its evolution is something you have created and helped to form.  Funny how this parallels the road to parenting itself...

This weekend, it was an imagined child's rendition of a tree with a favorite quote, the very beginnings of which are on the art therapy page but will soon have to be updated.  It has come a long way since then and has been absolute art therapy.  Of course I work on other pieces that are not fertility related, but it is funny how my favorite pieces are those that are.  You would think that there would be too much pain in them, but it is these very pieces that seem to bring hope, that I want to work and re-work over and over.

I'm happy to be happy today, to feel light-hearted.  I am happy that I am surrounded by creations that make me smile . . . namely my oak tree and my new favorite sketch I'm pleading to make into our holiday cards.  Yet, with nuzzling giraffe caricatures of us as a couple, it is quite questionable if hubs will allow this to be sent to all family and friends!  I'm working on it!