Keep moving on!

Well, I have made my decision of what to do this cycle.  Honestly, it seemed to stop my life in a ridiculous, obnoxious way.  It was the only thing I could think of and had me literally biting my fingernails I was so distraught!

We have decided to just keep going for the next two months with our scheduled clomid, trigger shot, and IUI cycles.  Go on, that is, unless my body does not respond to all the drugs I am pumping into it!  Seriously, you'd think that my body could throw me a freakin' bone here!  I am realistic about the possibility of a canceled cycle and finding out that I may be clomid resistant, but for now I cannot focus on that and must simply forge ahead.  The advice that I received from all of you truly helped me to just sit, meditate on my thoughts, and listen to my heart.  I am happy with our decision.  It is good for our timing, good for finances, and most of all, good for our hearts.  I am so prepared to tackle this now!  Bring it on!

Whatta to do???

So many decisions in an infertile's life!


I just got back from the doctor and am pretty disappointed... hmmm... make that bawling uncontrollably while feeling like I have no idea what to do or where to turn.  My CD2 baseline ultrasound revealed my very PCOS ovaries remain after only 2 weeks of Metformin.  I know this is to be expected as it takes time for Metformin to work its magic, but it is still a blow.  The main blow is the advice I got after this was found:  To take three months off TTC in order to quiet my ovaries with Metformin & birth control pills.


This is such a blow to me as I was so mentally prepared to go all out this month - Clomid, injections, IUI.  And now, I have to wait again?  My fertility nurse is very supportive and stressed the entire time that she is giving me options and that I am in the driver's seat.  She was wording things so carefully as to not influence me, but basically, it seems that I would have a better shot at successful IUI after my ovaries were quieted for a few months.


Still, then I begin thinking of the fact that this is prime time for TTC as a teacher as it results in perfect due dates and a better window in which to manage the stress and appointments.  In the same way, I now find out that it is prime time per our insurance as I have met my deductible and they will cover everything 100%.  Well, everything may be an overstatement as I am always unsure of what exactly they cover as their policy is to cover diagnostics, but not treatment.  I assumed that once I was diagnosed as PCOS, the coverage would stop, but they covered all three ultrasounds last month, all blood tests, and all meds except for Clomid.  I know that we will have to fork over some money and am completely realistic about this, but if I wait until after my deductible resets, we will pay for everything!!!


My main question is has anyone with PCOS taken time off to quiet their ovaries?  or have you not and gone ahead with treatments?  With a well-monitored cycle that watches out for hyperstim, are there risks of going ahead with treatment?  I can choose to do anything I'd like at this point, but here are the main options.  Please weigh in if you can!  I am in desperate need of advice!




Option 1:  Take time off TTC by quieting the ovaries for 3 months with Metformin and Birth Control pills                                                    

• PROS - medically speaking, the chance of conception will be higher                                                                     
• CONS - this is the best TTC time for me when dealing with infertility as I'm a teacher and off for the summer, makes appointments and stress more manageable     
• adds 3 months to our already long wait
• this is the best time to TTC being a teacher as due dat would be April, May, or June           
• I have met my deductible and it would seem (surprisingly) that my insurance covered 100% of last month's ultrasounds and appointment.  Thus, taking time off might not make sense financially as I can get it covered, but only for the next 3 months until the new year kicks in September 1st                                                                                                                                                                                                 

Option 2:  Take one month off by quieting ovaries for 1 month with Metformin & birth control pills                                                                 

• PROS - might help medically     
• will be able to do one cycle with full insurance coverage before new plan year begins  Sept 1st                                        
• CONS - adds one month to time table
• best time to TTC with due date 
•  will only be able to do one cycle with full insurance coverage before new plan year begins (chances of IUI working first cycle, not great)                                                                                                                                                                      

Option 3:  Just continue on this month with Clomid, injections, IUI                                                                                                                  

• PROS - best timing for TTC  - emotionally, financially, due dates, etc.   
• will get in two IUI cycles with insurance coverage before new plan year begins
• mentally prepared to jump into this now 
• CONS - chances aren't as great medically without quieted ovaries, ovaries more likely to respond well after more Metformin & birth control                                                                                                                                           

As always, thanks for your support!

Really, they must make a movie out of us!

A silly title, I know, but I just can't help myself.  I was looking at my last posts and realized that I hadn't yet told my latest ovulation story.  Compared to all the other wild and crazy things that happen on this ride, I suppose it isn't much, but it still makes me roll my eyes and laugh every time I play it back in my head, so here it is.

I have been in contact with my fertility nurse since I noticed EWCM about two weeks ago.  Now, because my ovaries, or follicles, or hormones move at a snail's speed, this wonderful fertile fluid is there for about a week prior to ovulation.  When I first called two weeks ago, she advised me to make an appointment the following Tuesday (which would be 7 days after I had first noticed EWCM) for a progesterone test.

The Tuesday of the appointment rolled around and I was in a funk.  I drove to work crabby--I was somewhere in between angry and sad, as one could tell by my fierce music but flowing tears.  Oh, what infertility does to a girl!  I was angry because after first seeing the EWCM, I had begun using OPKs and had not received a positive (and positively adorable) little smiley face yet.  My EWCM was still there and I was absolutely positive that I hadn't ovulated yet.  After charting this for year, I think I know a thing or two about ovulation.  Indeed, the charting has awoken me to so many signs my body gives to signal ovulation that I would have never otherwise noticed.  It is amazing! I was angry because I felt I had to go to this appointment, but I knew that the progesterone test would show that I hadn't ovulated, because... uh... I hadn't ovulated!  I was sad because it just felt like another hurdle to have to jump over and honestly, my stamina for this relay race is waning.

At lunch, when it came time to leave to get poked and prodded once again, I decided that I would take one more OPK test, just in case.  And here starts the comedy...

As a teacher, I run to the bathroom, only to find the staff bathroom is still out of order.  I quickly decide to use the student bathroom--you know, the one where the toilet is roughly one foot off the floor?  So there I am, squatting over this miniature toilet, peeing on a stick.  I didn't have time to wait for the result, so I carefully placed it right side up in my purse and scurried out to my car.  Once in the car, I put the stick on the passenger seat, just so I could see the result when it popped up.

I look down and screeeeech!  Slam on my breaks!  Of course, wouldn't you know that there is now a smiley face looking up at me, signaling that yes, I have finally begun to gear up to ovulate!  With the loud, screeching tires, everyone on the playground looks up and the adults start walking over to check if everything is alright.  

image from google images

I have no idea why my response was to slam on my breaks, but I am glad no one was behind me!  I pulled out onto the street and with a U-turn pulled right back into the parking lot and my parking space.  Once inside, I called the office to cancel my appointment and schedule another for a week later, now presumably 7 days after ovulation.

A little comical, I think.  I still don't know if I did or did not ovulate.  Can I ovulate on my own after not ovulating with Clomid?  I guess so?  Can you get a positive OPK but not ovulate?  I think so?  I have no idea what my little anomaly of a body is up to,  but I am hoping that tomorrow's progesterone appointment provides much less drama!

Any crazy fertility stories out there that make you feel as if you are in the middle of a comedy or drama?  Please share!  I've got a ton!

Absent!

So sorry for my recent absence!  I really will get better at updating this soon, but I am running around constantly right now trying to pack everything into the last weeks of school for the kiddos.  Three more days of kids and the list of to-dos just keeps getting longer and longer!

I have been keeping up on your blogs, though.  And while I haven't had a lot of time to devote to commenting, I am always thinking of those going through this.

As for me . . .  I have a 7dpo progesterone test tomorrow.  Well, a possible 7dpo I should say, according to my random EWCM and OPK test that turned positive after my cycle was cancelled.  They are not convinced that I ovulated and I'm not convinced that I didn't.  We'll just see what happens tomorrow!

Report on the weather over here under my little infertility cloud?  Fairly sunny.  I'm feeling good.  More later : )

REALLY???

I feel as though I should be writing deep, moving posts lately.  After all, I am processing a lot of emotions and quickly becoming comfortable with many new infertility treatments I swore off mere days ago.  But sometimes, when so much is going on, you just have to state the facts.  The rest of me seems too muddled and jumbled right now to do much more than simply state the facts.

So today, the fact is, that my body is REALLY pissing me off!  And, as the crazy infertile that I am, that talks to her someday children, trying to coax them down into her belly, I am now talking to chastising my body.  It plays out as a segment of SNL's weekend update:  Seth & Amy's REALLY? bit.

image via google images

Really, body?  You decide to resist the Clomid's effects, but still grow some follicles, and produce enough E2 for a good reading that brings relief and a smile?  Really?  You decide to let the follicles keep growing, but forget to fill them with eggs, as the plummeting second E2 reading shows, resulting in a canceled cycle?  Really?  And now, when we have counted this cycle as a wash--reproductively, financially, emotionally--you decide to produce a plethora of fertile fluid?  REALLY?  REALLY?

What's a girl to think, body?  You're kind of being an asshole!

hmmm . . . in light of all this fertile fluid do I start up OPK kits?  Make appointments?  Have baby sex?  Hope?   . . . so lost in all of this!

My Clomid Conundrum

My latest infertility conundrum is this:  How can a woman ovulate with natural cycles for over a year and then fail to ovulate on Clomid? 

image via google images

Perhaps this is normal, maybe I am Clomid resistant, quite possibly it is just taking some time for my body to respond to a new drug.  I wonder if it is the PCOS mucking things up? (No, that was not my first choice of words, but I'm trying to keep it just a wee bit classy up in here!)  I'm sure there are many possible explanations, but I still don't understand it a bit.  It seems so counterintuitive and baffles me completely!  I fell as though I am in a constant state of confusion.

Forgive me if I've mentioned this before, I just can't let it go!  After having very clear, albeit very late, ovulations confirmed both by temps and OPKs for over a year, all of a sudden there is nothing.  I had beautiful LH surges, cervical fluid, temp rises and luteal phases.  All gone with the very drug that was to induce ovulation.  humph!

Has anyone else ever had this happen to them?

Questioning My Body

Ever since I was preliminarily diagnosed with PCOS, I have had a million questions running through my head.  There are too many to address in one post, so I will have to spread them out over the week.  Right now, I feel as if I am finally registering that I am going through the stages of grief with my own body.  I feel as though I am literally mourning my fertility.  At times, I feel like I am also mourning the hope of a fertile woman, though I know that hope returns when you need it to, though quite possibly in a much altered state.  I assume it becomes a mature sort of hope that accepts the fact that limitations exist.  This hope is a realist.

The steps of grief:

image via google images

1) Denial & Isolation
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance

Now I will say that throughout this journey, I have experienced each one of these.  For just as soon as you think everything is clear and you can accept your truth, something else seems to pop up to change that truth and the whole process begins again.

For months and months of trying to conceive naturally, I was absolutely in denial.  As we got further and further into our journey, the all-consuming thoughts had me very isolated.  Extreme bouts of anger have been sprinkled in because, honestly, I just don't want to do any of this extra shit!  I know it is the path I have to take, but I cannot say that I have enjoyed gaining weight to increase my odds of conception, shelling out more and more money every other week, being poked and prodded more times than I can count.  It is not exactly what I pictured when I naively imagined the incredible pregnancy that would bring me my little bean.

Anger also took over my body last week, when I was preliminarily diagnosed with PCOS and my cycle was canceled due to a steep decrease in my E2 level and minimal follicle growth.  For the first time in my entire life I hated my body.  I absolutely hated it.  I was disgusted.  I wanted to rip out my insides and replace them with something that actually functioned even close to normally.  As I write this, I realize how graphic and horrific this sounds, but they are the exact thoughts that ran through my mind.  

At this point, I feel like I am doing some sort of bargaining as I try to wrap my head around what this PCOS really means for me.  As I try to make sense of the PCOS and this insulin resistance piece, I think through my general health and gynecological history.  I have always had irregular periods, but I have always, at least, had periods and clear, though late ovulations.  I have always had acne, which may be a sign of the higher testosterone level that comes with PCOS.  I have always craved any carb you set in front of me, which I believe, may be a symptom of the insulin resistance?  

And here's where I start getting upset and irrational.  I have always been skinny and had trouble gaining weight, though I made it an absolute priority after receiving this recommendation to aid in our baby making efforts.  I quit cardio and turned more to short bouts of yoga and light walking.  I kept my head calm with meditation and my body full with foods with higher fat content.  Due in part to my efforts and in part to my metabolism slowing down with age, I gained weight.  So here is my irrational, albeit, serious question that continues to nag me no matter how ridiculous I tell my mind it is:  Did I do this to myself?  Though I am sure there must be some sort of genetic predisposition, have my eating habits and recent resistance to exercise caused this, or at very least exacerbated the problem?

I generally have fairly good eating habits, but now every time I put something with sugar in my mouth or crave bread I feel guilty, as if those choices and cravings are exactly why I have found myself in this situation.  So, with that, I am bargaining--thinking, OK, if I don't eat this plate of pancakes with syrup, will that make you happy, body?  If I go and run on the treadmill tonight rather than walk on it, will you bring on my period naturally so I can avoid pumping even more drugs into my body?  If I buy this PCOS diet cookbook, will you go away and leave me alone, or at least calm down enough to let me get pregnant and carry my baby to full term?

If only my body would respond clearly.  Better yet, if only my body would do what I told it to do!  Sigh