Being there to support him . . . any advice???

Tomorrow is the big day for hubby--the Sperm Analysis.  At least, I hope it's the big day.  The "big day" has come and gone a few times now with no pleasure sessions ending in a sample being rushed to the lab.  It is just that every time the date approaches, he begins to melt.  He noticeably pulls away from me, sequestering himself in the bedroom.  He is on edge and very short, uncomfortably quiet.  Yet, the next minute, he is there wanting to be as close to me as humanly possible.  And within another few short minutes, the stress has overcome him again and he is gone from me--emotionally and physically.

I understand his apprehension, the dread for the appointment and the results, the tension that grabs hold of every inch of the body.  I understand this because I live it as well.  Still, this is all very surprising to see, as my husband has been the rock in our relationship, holding us strong throughout this time.  Not only is he an emotional stronghold, he is also a bio-medical scientist, and as such has a very unique way of looking at our fertility struggles (not to mention everything else in the world.)  Generally, it is refreshing, though at times maddening to have the science of our bodies brought into every fertility conversation.  Nevertheless, I was always under the impression that the tests did not phase him a bit.  Before a scheduled fertility appointment, a friend asked me if he was prepared to be asked to do an SA.  "We haven't talked about it," I answered, "but I'm sure he's fine.  He is always around the lab at work, ordering and performing different tests.  I don't think he would have the same qualms others might."  After that conversation, I did discuss it with my husband.  His lighthearted answer confirmed my suspicions as he warmly related that he would do anything I needed, he wasn't worried a bit.

So there we were, both shrugging it off like it was nothing.  Sweeping it under the carpet, stuffing it in the far back corner of the closet.  But it is something.  Obviously.  How irrational and heartless of me to think that it wouldn't be?  How could I not anticipate the worry, dread, fear, and stress that has consumed him when that is what I live everyday?  And now that it is there, the bigger question is why do I not know how comfort him and take it all away?  This dilemma has me feeling like an absolute failure as a wife.  How could I not know how to comfort my own husband?

The hubs is incredible with me--with every melt down and every failed test, his arms are always open, making me feel safe and secure.  His words always shed light on the crisis du jour and help to pull me out of frighteningly dark places.  But when he lays in bed worrying and says, "I'm sure there's something wrong with me,"  I snap.  Instantly, I am furious, hurt that he has decided our destiny, upset that he is luring me into the shadows, absolutely incensed that he is ignorantly assuming all the burden of our fertility complications on his own, enraged that he is not still embracing the role in our relationship of solid rock.  Generally, I have it in me to console for some time, but more often than not the pessimism has already overtaken him, and there seems to be no hope of pulling him out of the trenches.  It is then that I turn to tough love.  And with a raised voice and a snap-out-of-it sentiment, it is then that I begin to show my frustration and irritation, even resentment for this behavior.  I don't know why I do this.  I have no explanation for my rash actions and I am incredibly embarrassed by them every time.  Indeed, I am embarrassed to be sharing them here.  Still, my goal on this blog was to get the truth out, no matter how ugly.  And this is my ugly truth.

So, now I ask for advice.  I plead for advice, for suggestions, for help from anyone.  I am not sure I can endure another night of this or another passed up opportunity for us to finally receive some answers.  When my husband comes home tonight, what do I do if I begin to see the signs of melting?  Can I prevent these feelings from surfacing?  Can I redirect his emotions?  How can I support him?  What happens when he expresses his worries because he knows I am there to listen and I actually say the right things, but it makes no difference?  What if he remains pessimistic the whole night?  How do I show my husband the same support that he has shown me time and time again?  How do I let him know that everything will be alright?  How can I show my overwhelming love for him no matter how far he lets himself fall tonight?  I am anticipating the fall and what I wouldn't do to prevent it!  But, if it is inevitable, how can I catch him with my love?