A Simple Hug

It is almost always true that a hug can do so much for a person.  Just one can ease your fears or make you feel safe, communicate care or stop your wandering, worrying mind.  As far as hugs go, yesterday I received one of the most wonderful hugs of my life from Auntie Dumplings, my fertility nurse.
(in)fertility has flung me into this sterile medical world without much preparation.  So much of it is unnerving and uninviting.  At times, it is hard to feel warmth when your world seems so bleak.  But there it was, at the end of my day 12 follicle study-- all the warmth I could ever ask for from the person in charge of getting me pregnant.

So much has been happening lately in terms of our fertility journey.  It has been a lot to soak in and I am incredibly overwhelmed.  Here's the run-down:  I have begun my first medicated cycle and am now on 50 mg of Clomid, which my body is not responding to very well.  The ultrasounds I have had (now four, I believe) have all pointed to PCOS, though most of my hormone levels checked out fine, save a slightly high testosterone level.  It doesn't look like I will ovulate any sooner than day 17 if that, which isn't at all what they want to see.  This roller coaster ride has taken me up and down in the last few weeks, an emotional ride that has only been heightened by the effects of Clomid. (But that will have to wait for another post!)

I have so much running through my head...our chances of conception, future treatments, costs, emotional self preservation...and I think that Auntie Dumplings could definitely sense this.  After relaying the facts that my follicles had grown minimally in two days, she wrote up her plan which includes an ultrasound/ follicle study for next Monday if I have not ovulated yet, injections to trigger ovulation if I have not, and subsequent progesterone supplements.  The future plans are to put me on Metformin (a diabetic medication used on those with PCOS to help the body deal with insulin, I believe) and 100 mg of Clomid.

After wincing at the thought of administering a trigger shot, she quickly suggested that she train me on the shot and before I knew it, I had washed my hand, cleaned my belly with alcohol and was pinching an inch and holding a needle centimeters away.  I was also beside myself.  I was shaking.  My face was being contorted in so many ways as I struggled to get my mind wrapped around this.  I can only imagine that I was letting out high pitched whines and squeals.  It was horrible.  But the whole time, she was coaching me.  Answering my, "I really don't think I can do this!" with "Yes, yes you can" as she rubbed my arm to comfort me.

I did it, and in record time.  I think my freak out really only lasted less than a minute, though it was some of the longest seconds of my life.  Imagining trying to do that at home for the first time, I am sure I would have cried with my husband for hours before actually putting needle to skin!  But here, I had to.  And after it was done, after I had actually stuck myself with a needle and held it in my belly for 5 seconds, it really wasn't that bad.  I thanked her very genuinely after that, realizing that she had just saved me from a potential future major meltdown, after which she laughed kindly, accepting my thanks and said, "Can I give you a hug?"

It was the best moment I have had in an office throughout this entire journey.  Just feeling warmth from those in charge of this huge endeavor is incredible.  The hug was the icing on the cake after what was medically, a mediocre appointment, but emotionally, a wonderful appointment.  I truly feel like there is teamwork and care behind my fertility team, my dream catchers.  And for that, I am very thankful.