These are a few of my favorite things . . .

Today was a wonderful day, wonderful because I saw happiness and felt happiness at every turn.  At times, that sort of satisfaction is a little hard to come by, as everything is clouded by the worries and what-ifs, the hard truths and the unanswered questions.  But today, there didn't seem to be a cloud in sight!  I'm sure this post won't be poetic, I know it won't be poignant, but I do hope that it is full of happiness.

Maybe it was because I wore kick-ass high heeled boots today, which can always brighten my mood.  Maybe it was because I applied my make-up and did my hair in my well lit bathroom instead of at red stop lights on my rush to work.  Maybe it was because I indulged in one of my ultimate guilty pleasures for lunch--Crazy Bread!  (mmm...mouth watering again!)  Whatever it was, I was glad the sun was literally and metaphorically shining on me today.

Sometimes, I think the darkness is one of the most alluring things.  It is not that I like having that darkness engulf me, but at times letting it seems easier than confronting it.  I have no doubt, actually, that it is much easier.  If you let yourself live in the darkness, you don't have to put up a mental fight, you don't have to indulge and engage others, and you don't even have to function normally or appropriately.  Or, at least, this is what the darkness would tell you.  It tells you you have the ultimate excuse, how could anyone expect you to function with everything you're going through?  Unheard of!  Of course, the darkness lies.  The catch is that you do have to do these things, but the darkness will always lure you in encouraging an indifferent, lethargic, detachment from reality at every step of the way--a detachment that promises an escape, a place to hide and block out reality.  Despite the lies, the darkness and its promises of pure apathy are somewhat seductive because you don't have to fight, at least to get there.

Sometimes the fight to see the light comes with a great deal of effort and sometimes, it comes completely effortlessly.   Today, for instance, I didn't have to put up a fight.  Today, I felt happiness right down to my core.  I felt happiness when one of my students said that what she really wanted to do this weekend was visit "Bopswana" in Africa to see those funny looking giraffes eat leaves in the savannah.  When I asked if she would be excited to see lions too, her eyes got big and she vehemently shook her head back and forth.  I felt happiness when I got an personal email from my boss with a picture of her little baby rooting for the Green Bay Packers, completely outfitted in a foam cheesehead, his chest painted with a giant, green G.  I felt happiness when a previous student ran up, nearly knocking me over with his hug.  At only 3 feet tall, there was a lot of force (and love) behind that hug.  Other little 3 foot munchkins from years past asked me how my day was, what my plans were for the weekend, and gleefully wished me a wonderful weekend!  I felt happiness for all of this and so much more.

At times, it is hard being a teacher--having a great deal of beauty coming from the very things you are wishing for so hard yourself.  Still,  the beauty of these children's innocence and desire to learn, their extreme perseverance and quick wit always reinforces my intense desire to become a mother.  I am thankful that I am able to nurture everyday, doing the same things that I will someday do with my own little bean.  And I am thankful for the community at large, that sees that nurturing nature in me and compliments me on my motherly instincts and passion, saying kindly with a smile that I will be an incredible some-day mother.  I am thankful for the few in this work community that do know our hopes and dreams and are privy to our struggles.  They are always there when I need them and help relieve a great deal of stress when I feel like there is just no way I can function.

When the sun is out and a smile is on your face, you don't feel like you needed any of the help you rely on.  It was just a good day today, right?  But, I try not to forget that it was a good day for many reasons.  Yes, it was a good day because I have not yet gotten my period and I am not near enough to be PMSing, because I have heels and well applied eye-liner, because I have adorable, bright, and loving students that inspire me everyday.  But it is also a good day because today, I had the will power to elude the darkness.  Even if it didn't feel as if I put up much of a fight, it is still a momentous occasion for me in the last couple of months.  It is also a good day because of all those who have been there helping me through the darkness, whether personal or professional friends, or completely strangers via the internet.  I can't think of a poignant comment or a bout of sentimental advice that has come on this specific day, but I know that all those delivered in the past have allowed the sun to shine today.  In this moment, I am full of happiness and thankfulness for my life at large and the support of those around me.  ahhhh---sweet happiness!