I've been here before...

Five days ago today . . . Cue period.  Cue rant.  Cue meltdown.

I'm not sure exactly what I expected.  I will say that I try never to expect to come out on the other side with a baby in the making, but at a certain point, it is a matter of survival that I do believe that possibility with every inch of my being.  I have been gone from blogging for quite awhile, but to get you up to speed, at our consultation meeting with the new infertility clinic, the doctor gave his recommendation for moving forward.  His recommendation included Femara.  Yes, Femara, the drug I've been wanting to use since last spring!  When we stepped into the clinic that morning it was all about closure, not about future fertility treatments.  Indeed, I could have been happily filling out adoption paperwork in the parking lot minutes before I walked in, sat down, and heard that one little word.  It wasn't easy to jump back in, but it wasn't as hard as I thought it might be either.

Still, I thought it would be different this time around.  It isn't.  I am back in the bleak, dark place I was months ago.  It is quite the mental cycle every month.

Now nearing the end of my period, I am still not sure where to go from here.  I feel like we have taken a huge step backwards by going through with fertility treatments this last month.  I say that because I felt like we were getting closer to adopting, but every time you go through another month of disappointment there is another period of grieving before you can pick up the pieces and look to the future.  It is so hard to throw money into complete chance.  Yet, at the same time, it is so hard to walk away from that chance when the very next month just might be the month.  

Still, this is the cold, hard truth of how I'm feeling today.  As I said earlier, cue rant.

I am just tired of it.  I am tired of it all.  I am so tired of feeling like less of a woman because to this point, I haven't been able to get pregnant.  I am tired of feeling guilty for being the person who my husband is with because I can't give him what he should be able to have.  I am tired of imagining him wishing he did have a fertile wife he could pop pregnant at the drop of a hat.  I am tired of these toxic thoughts that I know are ridiculous because I know we are so strong and have incredible love.  I am tired of feeling like an emotional and financial drain on our relationship.  I am tired of timed medications, supplements and fish burps!  I am tired of being healthy only for the sake of pregnancy--stopping everything in despair the minute I find out I am not pregnant.  I am tired of being scared to not work out and scared to work out at the same time--scared that not working out will just exacerbate my condition but stupidly scared that working out will prevent implantation or knock something loose (so non-sensical!)  I am tired of what this has turned our sex life into - methodical, timed sex attempted only during fertile days.  I am tired of not drinking at the end of a hard day.  Of not eating sushi, of even avoiding things like cold lunch meat and my caffeinated tea.  I am tired of having progesterone goo leak out of me every day for two weeks while I wait, in one of the most uncomfortable states possible, to hear if we succeeded this month.  I am tired of thinking about it constantly.  I am tired of the hopeful days where I begin to feel every twinge.  I am tired of the monthly dream of how I will tell hubs about the pregnancy, how I will tell my friends, my family.  I am tired of being poked with a needle.  I am tired of that pitiful voice they just have to receive training days on - the perfect inflection for telling her she's not knocked up over the phone.   I am tired of hating, literally hating my body.  I am tired of feeling dramatic.  I hate dramatics.  I am tired of the overwhelming negativity and the miniscule positivity I feel during this process.  But I am also tired of feeling that I just can't walk away.  

I'm also tired of that annoying habit during hard times to take a lyric of a song and twist it to fit your situation, then cry uncontrollably as you play the song on repeat.  The newest song written just for me at this time is Dessa's Mineshaft.  

Little lines, such as 

The list of things of I used to be is longer than the list of things I am

Ex-lover, ex-friend
. . .
Living on the small chance
Luck would save the last dance

speaks to how I feel as though I am losing my identity and withdrawing into myself as I wait for luck to save me.   

One day I'd like to say what all the tug-o'-war was for

obviously speaks to me, to all in my situation, I'm sure.

further from our origin,
No closer to our destination

reminds me of how, even though I know that we are a strong couple, we are far from where we started but still possibly very far from where we want to be.  Sigh.

You're tired, you're fired
You're inside of the lie
It's a brilliant design
It's like, "Just act surprised"

explains how I feel as though I'm stuck and going nowhere.  And tired.  

And of course, the chorus kills me every time I think of my body's past, current, or future confirmation that it is not pregnant with my little bean.  

I've been here before and I know where it goes

It goes down 

Mineshaft by Dessa, live version of remake from her new CD Castor, the Twin
(The version on her newest CD I just can't resist.  Not a studio recording, but enjoy!)  

I think we are looking at a "natural" cycle this month seeing as probable news would come immediately prior to the holidays and timing would make appointments difficult.  Besides, I just don't want to deal with that progesterone goo!  I know that none of this matters once on the other side, but on this side, it feels like I am being crushed by it all.