The Appointment

I am delighted to report that our first fertility appointment was a remarkable success.  I have heard so many horror stories that I was terrified, as I'm sure you could grasp from my previous posts.  I had visions of an uninviting, cold room; I could almost hear the scoffing at my charts; I could feel the anxiety rising in my throat.  But, very fortunately, there was none of that.  I was comfortable and there was laughing and jokes rather than scoffs.  And most surprisingly, I actually feel like the entire appointment has dramatically helped ease all anxieties!  I am so pleasantly surprised, so taken aback by my own emotions!

I keep waiting for the unpleasant thoughts and dark times to creep back, wondering when they will surface. I find myself checking my emotional state often, asking myself, "How are you doing? You doing ok?  Is it all coming back?"  I wait for a second, mentally scanning my body and mind for those wretched feelings.  "No?  Wow!  Nothing there!  Well, ok then,"  I say to myself unexpectedly, completely baffled that I am just fine.

I suppose that this is due to the empowering nature of simply taking charge.  I feel that through this appointment I have taken charge of this situation.  There were no tests performed, no answers given, but the process has started and that is very reassuring.  It is bad enough worrying about getting pregnant, that when you are worrying simultaneously if you can get pregnant, things get a bit overwhelming to say the least.  But the mere act of making an appointment and sitting down made it all much more manageable.

I suppose, to put it all into a very corny analogy, this is a bit what it feels like....Previously, it was as if a dark cloud was hanging over me.  One that I sat under just wondering when it will really open up, when will the storm come?  When will the deluge come down on me?  In no way do I expect sunny skies from this day on, but at least for now, I am no longer worrying myself with the storm, but more so, I am looking forward to the weather report.  Oh, so very corny, I admit.  It is so hard to put all these emotions into words that convey exactly what I am feeling.  This is the best I can do!