Claiming my Infertility

Well, here I am.  After over a year of trying to conceive, I have finally accepted the reality and am ready to say it.  I am ready to claim it.  

Japanese symbol for infertility via Google Images

Infertility   

It happened yesterday, when I wrote the post about my canceled cycle.  After writing the words, I sat typing in my labels.  I typed infertility and froze.  I have never stopped there.  In the past, I have always put infertility and fertility together, because I just wasn't ready to claim that identity yet.  I was ready to ride the fence, but not willing to admit that I had, indeed, jumped over that fence.  In fact, in terms of post labeling, I always add many labels to my posts.  But all I could think to classify this news as was infertility.

Immediately, the acceptance came flooding over me, rushing through my body.  And, like all the fertility news I feel I have received, I went through a slew of emotions - there are the thoughts that can be classified as "poor me thoughts", there is the numbness, there is the disbelief, the jealousy, and the self-loathing.  But, luckily, just as quickly, there are the thoughts of beating this, feelings of strength, a collection of self as you find your courage.  I went through it all as I stared blankly at my computer screen, wiping away tears as my vision blurred.

Yes, I am struggling with infertility.  It is not a pleasant struggle nor one I would wish on any other person, but it is a struggle that brings out the strength of an individual--body, mind, and spirit.  While I consider myself a relatively tough person, in the past I have crumbled at the mere thought of much that I have gone through.  But when reality sets in, it is sink or swim, and of course, you must choose to swim.  Indeed, part of staying afloat is accepting your reality and living your truth.

My truth is that I am infertile.  My truth, it seems, is PCOS.  It is follicles that grow slowly, eggs whose growth are stunted (for lack of a better word or explanation).  After so much testing, I did not expect this to be the case, but it seems there is so much about my truth that is unknown, uncharted.  What I do know is that while I have ovulated (albeit very late) for over a year and a half on my own, I did not ovulate on my first round of Clomid.  While I cannot wrap my head around this one, I must accept it as fact.  I know that I will most like begin Metformin, a diabetic medication they prescribe for women with PCOS and insulin resistance, though I am unsure if this diagnosis brings implications for my long term health.  I know that I will actually administer shots to myself, something I could never have pictured myself doing in the least, and I know that we will begin IUI (intra-uterine insemination) aka AI (artificial insemination) right away.  With the knowledge that there are higher conception rates when Metformin, Clomid, Injections, IUI, and Progesterone supplements are all used together, we feel we are ready to go all in, not to mention ready to fill that medicine cabinet!

Along this journey, I have had moments when I am absolutely elated and moments when I am incredibly depressed.  I have felt unstoppable and crushed, brave and cowardly.  Such swings mess with the mind of even the strongest person and make you question your fortitude and perseverance, but here is what I have decided.  I am allowed to cry and feel broken and lament my fertility.  This is normal.  It is human nature and it is womanhood.  But this does not mean that I have lost my strength.  It simply means I need some time to mourn and then rebuild my strength.  At the end of the day, I know that I will rise to meet any obstacle thrown my way.  Oddly, while wrapping up this post, I know that it almost feels liberating to be claiming my infertility after hiding from it for so long.  But at the end of the day, I also know I want to get off this god damn roller coaster...now!

Here's to accepting your truth and living through it, whatever that may mean.  To accepting the highs and the lows, but always digging for your strength in the end.  And after a canceled cycle and more medical bills than I ever want to think of, I am absolutely raising a glass bottle of wine to that tonight!  Kanpai!