Here I go again...

Well, I did it again.  I opened my big mouth and I was unsure how I felt about it just minutes later.  When dealing with infertility, it is very hard not to have it on your mind constantly.  Likewise, it is very hard not to want to talk about it when you need to.  The problem is that you might need to at any moment, in any situation.  And the problem is, when faced with a question related to your fertility or health, you may freeze like me, unable to find any acceptable little white lie in the moment.  That is exactly what happened to me yesterday.

I consider myself very lucky to have several friends in my personal life and several friends at my place of work that I can always go to to discuss things when they are bothering me.  At first, I thought it would allow infertility to take over my life, be present in some way in every conversation, like a huge, visible rain cloud hanging over my head and following me around.  But, luckily, it has not felt like that.  Rather, it has been incredible to have someone to talk to no matter what time of day I feel the need.  The support is truly amazing.

But there are those times at my place of work where I can't talk.  They are the times with my Kindergartners.  I bonded with one of my students the other day when I showed her my EpiPen for my allergy.  "Now I know your special place for your EpiPen and you know my special place for my EpiPen," I told her as I slid my pen into my desk drawer.  Elated, she ran home that night telling her family how her and the teacher were so much alike that we even both have EpiPens.  The next week, after a rough fertility appointment, the same little girl told me that she had a glucose problem.  Without thinking at all I said, "Wow, how funny!  So do I!  I just found out my body doesn't do the right thing with sugar, too."  Mind you, I was talking to a Kindergartner, so I really didn't think this would open a discussion on the matter.

And then, it came...during a celebratory feast yesterday with my class, I found myself in discussions with many parents.  At the end, I found myself talking to her mother who said, "She [her daughter] came home so excited, telling us about how her and her teacher are so much alike.  'We both have allergies and EPIpens,' she announced proudly.  Then a few days later, 'We both have problems with sugar!'  So, what is your problem with glucose?" she asked innocently.

And there it was, hanging in the air--a question I had to answer on the spot.  My mind, my face, everything went blank.  Not really knowing much about different glucose problems, I couldn't grasp at any random answer.  So I answered truthfully.  I answered with the terms that have been brought up in my appointments that I really know next to nothing about  - metabolic syndrome, insulin resistance.  And as I looked at the woman whom I have thought of so many times over the course of this journey, whom I feel a connection with albeit a small one, whom  I know from what her daughter has told me (Kindergartners tell you everything) has had several fertility problems herself this last year, who is pregnant with twins, I let it all out.  "Actually," I said, "I have thought of you a lot over this year, because that, and many others, are problems that have made it hard to achieve what we want as a family."  As I gestured to her belly, empathy came over her face and I knew the rain cloud was now right over my head, pouring down on me.

She quickly comforted me as my eyes began to tear up, saying that, as I already knew, she did have complications and that she would love to share her story over a cup of coffee anytime.  It was wonderful.  And I would like to hear her story as so many people I am surrounded by are the types that get pregnant on a whim.  My school is the most supportive environment I have ever found.  I am very close to so many parents, even one very trusted past parent who knows about everything only because she sensed it and just asked one day.  Still, that is a completely different relationship, someone I really consider a friend.  This is a parent.

So now it is out there.  I completely trust this woman, but rumors can always start even with the most trustworthy people and then spread like wildfire.  While I would love to hear her story and share mine, I am not really wanting parents and staff throughout the school to know the ins and outs of my uterus.

image via google images
Tongue Twisted

I truly hope I didn't just do something not only ridiculously unprofessional, but also incredibly stupid to open Pandora's box!  Maybe I should write up a list of white lies and rehearse so that next time, my mind doesn't go blank!